This week in the year marks the close of a year I don't even know how to label. So I will just tell the story.
One year ago this week, we finished our last of five failed IVF cycles. So it has been one year of "drug-free" living. Now when I say drugs, I mean hormone cocktails. You know the kind that make you half-crazed, or fully crazed in some instances? Can you imagine going thru menopause 5 times? That's what they do, they shut your body down first which is the equivalent of a forced Menopause. Menopause sucks! I haven't even gone thru it on my own biological clock yet, but when I do, I should sail right thru it! Or can you imagine having your body pumped with 4x's the amount of hormones or more...that your body would naturally produce in a month to get one little egg...so that they can extract 20? These are the kind of drugs you shoot straight into your gut and then walk around like a black and blue pin-cushion. Sound like fun? We are the poster-child couple...because we made it thru the storm!!!
Let me raise the "Fun Factor" by giving you a glimpse of family during that last year:
My SIL Jen, pregnant...more hormones!
My MIL Jan, Menopause...more hormones!
My soon to be SIL Meg, planning a wedding...ugh!
Lethal combination. It wasn't a good year for any of us. I didn't handle it well to say the least.
But I am not a grudge holder. I don't believe they are healthy. They serve no purpose. When you clamp your hand into a tight fist ready to strike, or slam a door shut, you close yourself off to the good that can come into your life. Open hands can reach out for help, love and hugs waiting to be received. Open doors let good things in! If you are so busy keeping your hands and doors closed for fear of being hurt, you are missing out on all the good waiting to enter your life. You are wearing yourself down and waisting energy. Be fearless!
Forgiveness. Both given and received! It is liberating!
Our journey with fertility has come a long way. For three years we went from one cycle to the next. We had triumphs and failures ending in miscarriages. We met alot of other struggling couples and made wonderful friends. We have watched them start their families. We have watched our family and friends start their own families. We have always watched.
We are OK with watching. We watch the sleepless nights, the tantrums, the frustration, the anxiety, the everything. Maybe, just maybe we are a little lucky? A little lucky to have each other, a little lucky to pack up and go, a little lucky to sleep, a little lucky to just 'be'. Maybe?
That's what this year has been for us. Us just being Us. And man has it felt great! Liberated.
I believe that God has us right where he wants us. So who are we to argue? He never makes mistakes. I love that.
So, do you have tight fists? Are your doors closed? Is there something in your life you need to let go of? If so, what are you waiting for?
Thursday, December 2, 2010
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Great post, my dear. Your attitude is one that I think many of us can learn from. (And I'm including myself in that "us".) I will keep that image of a fist closing off the love (and everything else) we need to be open to receive. Thanks for this!!
ReplyDeleteOh Di, this is my favorite of your posts... so real. :) you gave me goosebumps and tears (thanks!). I commend you for apologizing and even better, accepting apologies. There are so many families out there that refuse to hash things out, apologize and move on. Ours included... I know what we're missing out having spent time with you guys. I hope someday to be able to say that we all got over ourselves but from my perspective right now things don't look promising!!! I shouldn't make it sound like things are all bad because we have an awesome family too!
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what youn and Adam have been through, but way to go on celebrating what you DO have... each other! :)
MamaTea, I love visuals! A fist can be harmful but an open hand means an open heart. Not one of us is perfect, but if we get that mental flash of visual in our head...maybe it will have a calming affect.
ReplyDeleteChelsi, as you can see and know firsthand after being here, all wounds take time to heal and I pray that is the case with yours too! Families are the friends God picks for us! And yupper, it is a celebration for sure that we have each other...cuz I sure know the difference of what a good man can bring! Adam is a keeper forever and ever!
The thing I have always loved most about you Di is your honesty. The great thing about our rough year is that there was no one person to blame. Hormones are awful and they make you do and say things you don't really mean. I wish every day that I could turn back time and change things but in the end...I know they happened for a reason and I can honestly say they have brought you and I closer together.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a strong woman Di...I look up to you so much. I wish I knew God's plan for you and Adam and I wish even more that there was something I could do about it. But like you said...God has you right where he wants you :-) This is the happiest and most at peace I have seen you in a long time. You are finally in your happy place and who knows...maybe that is right where God needed you to be BEFORE giving you a baby :-) I suppose only time will tell. But for now...I am just going to be grateful for forgiveness...and grateful for having you as a sister :-) Love you!
Life is full of tough times. What a journey you have been on. I am so glad you have arrived at a place where you can finally be happy. Your story is still being written and I am sure it will turn out fantastic.
ReplyDeleteI am sure I hang onto things I shouldn't. What am I waiting for? Well when you hold onto something for so long, you sometimes don't know how to live with out it. I guess that is something I need to work on.
A most beautifully written post. It made me cry tears for your heartache but brought smiles to my face because of your unbelievably, wonderful spirit. I wouldn't wish what you've had to go through on anyone, but I can see you've come out of it an extremely happy, healthy person.
ReplyDeleteThere must be a reason that people like you (and my daughter) have to suffer all the pain of infertility, but we sometimes aren't able to understand why at the time. And I guess that's why it's important to keep those hands open.
I've obviously never met you, but your beautiful spirit shines through via your writing. So glad you're my bloggy friend!
Jen, if in the end we are all closer and stronger, then it was worth every second, every tear and no turning back is needed ;) I am thankful for getting thru because "Yupper", I love you right back!!
ReplyDeleteJane, I had a friend tell me once that when bad things happen and you decide to let it go, it takes time. But when the spirit is ready and willing, one day you will have that "Aha" moment and realize you did it! Or in my case it sorta comes out as "Holy Crap! I didn't even think about x y or z for days! I did it!" And then you happy dance!
MamaPea, I can't speak for ChickenMama, but what little I have gotten to know her from her blog, I would say that her and I - We've got really big shoulders. And yes it hurts like hell...BUT if I can take it so that someone else doesn't have to...then give it to me. I will do so willingly. Strong like bull! And I would rather see me sort thru the hardship than someone else who maybe can't deal with it and be torn apart.
Remember, I am a laughin' fool! I have joked many times that maybe God is protecting all the little children because surely I'd be the meanest mom in the whole world! Poor little buggers, I'd probably scare them stiff!
The mind of man plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps. Proverbs 16:9
ReplyDeleteWhat a promise!! Who can ask for anything more than that? Rest in Him and you will have peace that passes all understanding. You're there!!!
So proud of you my friend. My chest is puffed up because I know you.
SuMu, I will say it for the world this time...you herd my dog! You've been USED. How's it feel Missy? Pretty darn great...so go ahead and puff up! I love you!
ReplyDeleteWe weathered the storm together and that is what family does!! And I am so happy that you and Adam have weathered your storm together and are in a happy place. I have always told the kids growing up that things happen for a reason and sometimes it takes a day, year or even a lifetime to ever find out what the reason was. Sometimes we may never know but it's out there. So until you know the reason, keep living like there's no tomorrow and enjoy each day. And remember that forgiveness does not change the past, but enlarges the future. I see a beautiful future ahead!!! I love you!
ReplyDeleteJan, that's a new one to me and a keeper... "Forgiveness does not change the past, but enlarges the future." I lllike it! That is indeed beautiful! Thank you for sharing it and I love you too!!!
ReplyDeleteHormones.... hmmmmph! Having been through chemically induced menopause 3 times I feel you on that one! Now I am going through the real deal early, at age 40, and it sure is taking its sweet old time and I almost long for that overnight trauma courtesy of the needle... like ripping off the band aid! I love that you posted this and have shown the "other side"... acceptance and moving on and being thankful to have found exactly the right partner that would weather the storm with you, the same couldn't be said of my ex husband, but I guess that's how we find out who's worth riding along with us through life. Luckily now I have the right one but there was a time when I thought my reproductive organs (or lack thereof) defined me... sad. I am so happy that you are able to forge ahead, many never get past it and miss out on so much that's already in their lives. Alright, I'll put a sock in it as my mom would say... I could go on all night :)
ReplyDeleteGosh Di, you are one tough cookie. Such a sweet post. And I see you are another person that agrees with me on the fact that God puts us all right where he wants us. We may not see it or like it, but His will be done. God bless you. He has a plan for you as well my friend.
ReplyDeleteI got pushed into menopause early at 45 due to some cortizone injections when I got hurt at work. And it aint no fun fer no one. lol Its a wonder my hubby and eldest son havent strung me up.
Erin, it's always good to have a friend for the ride. Ya know, maybe your ex realizes now what he missed out on because I can't imagine anyone passing you by. 40 is early for you, for sure. Having been shoved thru it like we both have, I bet you really do wish to just get it over with! At least when we (you and I) were on the sauce, we knew it was a relatively quick phase. Mother Nature on the other hand apparently has a twisted sense of humor and we should just straight up slap the ho!
ReplyDeleteBoy did you hit the nail on the head!!! It doesn't have to define you! I thought it did too. Thank you for hitting that one out of the park because there are alot of women out there struggling with being defined and I really hope that season passes for them. I have been to support groups and listened to them and I knew I never wanted to carry that bitterness. That was the one emotion that came thru hotly. I don't want to be bitter...just better!
Stella, you just turned 46 then right? ;o) I never knew a shot like that could do such damage. But it really shouldn't come as a surprise these days the way one day something is approved and the next it's pulled for side effects! Thank you for your kind words and shared faith in God. Ain't He great? And yes, I know He will let me know what I need to do, when the time is right. In the meantime, I'm good waiting...and watching!
You all are pretty darn awesome women, you know that? I am thankful everyday to have found such awesome friends!
I LOVE your attitude. Take joy in being right where you are right now. Great post.
ReplyDeleteDiana, I've been following your blog (I always hop on through Jen's), and I've learned a lot about how strong, resourceful, and hilarious you are! I'm inspired by how at peace you are with life right now--I can learn a lot from you! (I hope my sleepless gibberish makes sense!!!)
ReplyDeleteTara, you totally made me laugh! Yes, I understood your gibberish :o)
ReplyDeleteThank you, that means alot and I am very glad to hear from you! Now, IF we were ever in your shoes, I am not so sure that we would be strong or anything else closely resembled to it!
Pretty sure that you are the one who is gaining muscle now! Now get some sleep girlie! xoxo
For anyone wondering -Tara just had TWINS! And already has a toddler as well. Phew!
i am so thankful to have you in my life Di.You have been though a lot.But you have done great.I love you very much
ReplyDeleteGina, thank you ma'am! It's a great life we've been given!
ReplyDeleteJennyGirl, yeah, well I have you to thank for it! You made a great little helper!
What a powerful post. One positive result of your circumstances is being able to speak of this with the loud ring of truth to it. I can think of so many things I've wanted to hold onto tightly, yet God in His grace always gently pries my fingers open and has taught me to hold loosely. Hold loosely and trust Him.
ReplyDeleteThank you for visiting my blog and taking the time to comment. I'm your newest follower.
I wanted to be with you di.And i hope to see u soon i know you miss me so very much
ReplyDelete